In marriage, good communication skills will contribute to the peaceful atmosphere in the home. It is important for you to learn how to communicate effectively so that your relationship can be meaningful, enriching and fulfilling. The way you communicate is part of your character; and this includes your words, your tone of voice as well as non-verbal communication such as your gesture, posture, and facial expression. God is a great communicator and you, being created in his image should speak like him – with wisdom, kindness, honour, and respect.

The Book of James Chapter 1 verse 19 says: 

So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. 

Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving]

James 1:19

So, to communicate effectively, you must be:

Quick to Listen

You need to listen to your intended spouse so that you can understand what they are saying to you. Don’t assume that you know what they want to say before they speak. Being too eager to say what is on your mind without giving the other person the chance to express them self can lead to communication breakdown. It is more beneficial for you to listen first before sharing your opinions.  So, you must exercise self-control at all times.

Avoid interrupting the other person while they are talking and this will give them confidence that you are listening; just as Proverbs Chapter 18 verse 13 says:

He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.

Let people finish before you try to answer them. That way, you will not embarrass yourself and look foolish

Proverbs 18:13

Don’t be judgemental and don’t make assumptions about what you are being told, rather, ask clarifying questions to understand the other person’s point of view and paraphrase what you think you’ve heard. This will show them that you are trying to understand what they are saying. Effective listening will promote peace in your relationship. If you are busy preparing how you will respond while the other person is talking, then you are not really listening. Rather, show genuine interest in what they are saying and put yourself in their shoes.

Slow to Speak

When it is time for you to respond, choose your words carefully. In other words, “think before you speak”. You must say the right things for the right reasons and speak the truth in love. So, when you speak, look out for the other person’s interests, and make them feel respected and understood. Speak to your intended spouse the same way you would like to be spoken to. Your words must build up, rather than pull down. The Bible says:

When you speak healing words, you offer others fruit from the tree of life. But unhealthy, negative words do nothing but crush their hopes

Proverbs 15:4

When you speak edifying words, you are honouring God. Be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit when you speak so that your mouth can be a blessing continually. In James Chapter 3, from verse 4, the Bible asks us to think about the ships that sail on the sea. These ships are very large and are pushed by powerful, strong winds; however, they are controlled by a small piece of wood. Verse 5 says:

Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles!

In the same way, our tongue is a very small part of our body. But it speaks as if it is very great. Think about this. A very small fire can cause even a big forest to burn completely

James 3:5

So, it is important for you to control your tongue, and choose your words wisely.

Slow to Get Angry

When you communicate, don’t let your emotions take over. When anger sets in, it could lead to hurtful words, shouting, insults, sarcasm and every unwholesome speech. This will make it difficult for the other person to understand the true message you are trying to convey. When you do get angry, be quick to forgive. Where there is no forgiveness, it will be very challenging to communicate effectively. Ephesians Chapter 4 verses 26-27 says:

“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.

And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil

Ephesians Chapter 4 verses 26-27

So, don’t let the devil manipulate you into holding a grudge, because unresolved anger will lead to bitterness. Learn to deal with any issues that comes up in your relationship and get them resolved quickly. Work as a team to attack the problem, rather than attacking each other. Be humble and apologise when you are wrong. Disagree in an agreeable way and don’t keep bringing up issues that you have already dealt with. Keeping scores will only prevent you from focusing on the current situation. There is no competition, so don’t try to win an argument.

Start practicing these communication tips in your relationship and let me know in the comments section if you would like me to discuss any of the topics in more detail.